Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Darkest Hour...


I'm having a hard time getting back on track. Back to my happy, positive self.  There, I said it.  The ugly truth is out.  Lately, the good news has been little, and the bad news plenty, on the *house, on the *lawsuit, and add to the mix the stress of a financial situation that has gone from bad to worse with creditors that just want to be paid...(HA-I don't blame them--in fact, I feel their pain!) Trust me--if WE could get paid--or sell our house--we would LOVE to pay you.  It's ironic isn't it?  The funeral home owing us money, and us owing it to others. If people would be honest and have integrity...wouldn't the world be such a beautiful place to be?  Can you even imagine a world where people just kept their word?  Before this last year, we have never even paid a bill LATE--much less not at all.  I know many are doing this type of thing on purpose...(hello? we know a few of them) not us.  We just counted on the money from the sale of the business being there, and then it wasn't.  Without even so much as an apology--not even a shred of decency, or regret.  I can't imagine living a life where I felt no shame.  That's what happens when you lose your integrity--you lose your ability to feel shame.  It's sad really. 

For now, we're just waiting...and hoping.  Hope--it's a funny word, my *word of the year.  Such a small word, but such a powerful thing, sometimes a dangerous thing--when your heart is at stake.  Hope can make or break us, can't it?  A friend of mine once told me, "The darkest hour of night is the best time to see the stars...", but, I wonder--what if I can't stay awake? Truth be told...*I. AM. TIRED.  Boy, am I tired.  We did have some good news this week, a miracle, that let a glimmer of hope and light back in to my dark night.  I will pray that more will follow.  All in God's time.  Patience is still not one of my best virtues, I'm afraid.  Even after all this practice... ugh. 

Here's to better days ahead--after all, we all know we can't go *back in time!  A saying that is getting me through right now, "When one door closes, another door opens.  However, often we look so longingly, so regretfully on the door that has closed, we fail to see the door that has opened for us."  Helen Keller  I need to close that door, once and for all, and not look back.  I won't lie to you--it's hard.  It seems it keeps creeping back open on me, and the old wounds open up with it.  Anger, resentment, guilt, remorse, but probably most of all my wounded pride--because of what we had, what we built, and what we lost.  And my fear, that it will happen again.  Us making the wrong decision, and having horrible consequences.  Of course, along with not being able to change the past--comes not being able to predict the future...so we will continue to stumble along, in the present that is our reality, and hope for a victory here and there, and hope that somewhere up there is a loving God who will help us up when we stumble, and carry us if we fall.  It's a powerful thing, hope is.

P.S.  *Click on the words with an asterisk & links if you have no idea what I'm talking about in this post. It will catch you up on quite a bit...plenty of food for thought.  Now talk amongst yourselves--and please share any suggestions you have...I love to hear them!

1 comment:

Erin said...

Oh Tami. I just hope the good news keeps on coming and you guys will find yourselves in a peaceful place again. That is one of my biggest hopes in life, that people I care about can live peaceful lives. I love you and hurt that you are hurting. Please let me know if you need to run away and talk, you know I am ALWAYS game for that! Keep hanging on, you and I are going to have some pretty buff arms from hanging on aren't we! ;)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...