Sunday, August 21, 2011

About Trust...

It has been one of those weeks for me this week, where I just wanted to hide.  Sometimes, the problems are too much, and I just want to go into a dark room and shut them out, pretend my life is back to normal and free of worry.  But it's not.  The kids are back to school, and the house is quieter.  There has been less to do (YAY!), but more time to myself to think and worry (Ugh...).  There has been more bad news than good, and it was getting to me.  I made it to the temple this week, after I dropped Jack off at preschool on Thursday, and I really needed that for my peace of mind.  Things lately have gotten to the point of desperation.  We have been trying to sell the house, to no avail.  The lawsuit is going as slow as humanly possible, justice, indeed moves at a snails pace (and at an expensive hourly rate no less).  Todd is working on getting back to work, but that, too, is a process that won't happen overnight.  We have sold pretty much everything we can, just to make ends meet, the cars, the boat, the timeshares, anything worth anything is just gone, and with it, my hope was nearly gone as well. As I sat in the Celestial Room, I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father, desperate for an answer, any answer.  As I sat there pondering, I picked up the Book of Mormon, opened it, and started to read.  I opened up to Helaman Chapter 12, which begins with, "And thus we can behold how false and also the unsteadiness of the hearts of the children of men;  yea, we can see that the Lord in his great infinite goodness doth bless and prosper those who put their trust in Him."  I don't care what anyone says, anytime I open the scriptures and just start reading, it is not a coincidence that the scripture that I find is the one that I NEED.  Each time, I am amazed.  But really, I have always known.  He is there, He cares, even when He can't fix everything for us, people have their free agency after all, He is aware of our situation, and He cares.  When you read the rest of this chapter, it is a powerful rebuke of the people, for they have become wicked, and unrighteous.  The prophet is warning them, and letting them know that they need to change their focus, and rely on the Lord.  I think, for me, it was a little bit of a wake up call.  I think many times throughout this year and last, my trust and faith have wavered.  It wasn't that I ever thought that God couldn't fix our problems, I know God can do anything.  I was just frustrated that God wouldn't fix our problems, not in the way I wanted Him to anyway.  Not MY way.  Not in MY time. The church down the street by our house had this quote on it for the last month, and I got to drive by it a bunch of times, so it stuck: "God is not limited by our circumstances."  I love that.  Something that I have struggled the most with is just trusting Him, and letting Him have control.  I am not good at handing over control.  Never have been.  Not as a child, not as a wife, and certainly not as a parent. Verse 6 describes me perfectly:  "Behold, they do not desire that the Lord their God, who hath created them, should rule and reign over them;  notwithstanding his great goodness and his mercy towards them, they do set at naught his counsels, and they will not that He should be their guide."  Ouch. How foolish am I to think that I know better than my Creator for crying out loud?   It goes on to talk about God's great power, and how he can do ANYTHING he wants to do.  God is NOT limited by our circumstances!  Why do I refuse to put my trust in Him?
When I got home, I texted Todd and told him we needed to change the price on the house, to get more people to come and see it. Selling the house is really our last hope to have the money we need to start a new business, pay our bills, and see this lawsuit through.  We had maybe 5 people come look at it all summer--and no interest whatsoever.  They changed the price, just bringing it down a little, and within a few hours, we had 4 people call to see if they could come and see it.  Friday, we had a realtor call us, and their clients had seen the house 2 years ago, before we bought it, and she said she was sending over an offer, before they even came to look at it again.  Much to our surprise, the offer was for the full price we were asking.  We have received offers before, but they were $150,000-200,000 LESS than our asking price, and nowhere near where we needed to be to be able to pay the bills and debt that we have racked up in this lawsuit.  They came to see the house later Friday afternoon, and said they were even more excited, because of all the remodeling (you can see the before & after HERE--we did a TON of work on this house) and wanted to close in a month.  Can I just tell you what a miracle a full price offer is in this market?  It's a reduced price, for sure, and we are surely losing money on the deal, but still--it is a miracle.  Yes, the Lord is aware of us.  We just have to be patient--(which is not one of my strong points), and sometimes...even at the last possible moment, a tender mercy will come.

We are not out of the woods--but a tremendous weight has been lifted, knowing that by selling the house, we will have the means we need to support our family.  It doesn't fix everything, but it helps.  There will be some hard moments ahead.  The thought of packing, and moving, again--(the 140 boxes of food storage alone) is tough.  I have a knot in my stomach just thinking about it, even though I know that it's the right thing to do, in fact, the only thing we can do.  We put so much of US into this house.  It was supposed to be our last, and I will miss it.  I'm not looking forward to trying to get used to a new home, or a new ward.  This move might be the hardest, since in so many ways we are starting over from nothing, and it's the first time we have HAD to move, not wanted to move, or chosen to move.  It is a hard pill to swallow, losing everything that we've built over the years.  And yet, haven't I promised that I would be willing to do just that?  Give everything up if I had to?  After all, they are just things, I have to keep reminding myself.  Just things--the  house, the car, the boat, even the business, they are things.  My family is still the same, my children are all OK, and that is what is important.  No, it will not be easy, but we will work through it.  We are strong, even if I have moments (or whole weeks) when I waver in my heart, when I question the plan, when I wonder if it will all work out, deep inside I know that  I am strong and my testimony is intact.  We have been through so much to make it to where we are, a little bump in the road, (okay--maybe a BIG bump in the road, but still...) isn't going to kill us. And what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right?  I sure hope so. 

2 comments:

Erin said...

Oh Tami! What a roller coaster ride. Keep hanging on, Love you!

Amberly said...

this is a beautiful post, thanks for the reminder that our circumstanced don't dictate what blessings might be in store for us. I wish you the best the next while as your lives continue to transition- I hope it will be smooth and that you will continue to feel His love around you as the moves you make are not easy. i don't know the details of the issues you write about, but I hope for the very best for your darling family.

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